Saga of errors

After a long discussion over breakfast and coffee in downtown, DC, I have come to a realization... I'm not always going to figure things out by myself.

And I finally got it. While having a discussion about life, a friend pointed out that our morning talk was meant to go inside me and hide itself like an invisible soul learning my wants, and my desires. It doesn't have to pertain directly to any situation. The underlying implications remain the same. I am human, I am a woman, I have wants, I need to feel and sometimes I am afraid of all that entails. But on some level there is more to me yearning to break free.

In life one never truly knows a thing with absolute certainty. We live in a relative universe and providence has a way of manifesting incredible irony. However, we do have a "choice". We have the option of deciding to move forward realizing that risk is a part of life and that not all things are going to turn out the way that we want it. Now to know a thing and to do a thing are very different animals. But once again the underlying implications are the same. Do you live this life being afraid of letting go or do you live this life with passion and take the risk in order to experience the highs and yes sometimes the lows.

I want to be happy. I can sense the passion simmering just beneath the surface. It's there and I know it. Sometimes it sees the light of day but most times it is shuttered beneath the umbrage of fear. After all who wants to feel the ache that no medicine can alleviate. Yes, it is definitely there and with the right tweaking that small flame can turn into an inferno. Unfortunately, not everyone knows how to shape it, mold it, regulate it - making it warm with a thought and then hot with a touch.

It's sad to say, but I am lonely. I'm tired of feeling that emptiness that lies deep down inside of me. Though I can perform in front of hundreds of people, or spark up a conversation with a complete stranger, it's has always been easier for me to be someone else with people who don't mean a damn thing to me, than actually feel something with those who I care about the most. I can be in a room full of people, and still feel like the only one in the room. That's the thing about people, there's always someone bound to see beyond the act. Those are the people you need in your life to help you figure it out and call you out on it. Eventually every "show" comes to an end.

It's a damn lonely place when you figure it out. Especially when no one is around to understand alongside you. It's time to "allow myself to survive and thrive with passion, compassion, humor, and style." (Part of a Maya Angelou quote I love.)

No need for applause. No need for an audience. No need for masks.
All that is needed is me. And just me.