In a zen like state, I've discovered why we lollop around most of our lives...

Apologies for a delayed update my friends. The massive e-mails & not so friendly voicemails were my clue to begin my ranting and rambling once again. Blog writing is definitely feasible, especially when your own friends threaten to take your soul away. You are all evil . "Eeevil...like its the frooits of the deveel.....Eeevil!"

It's been hectic. Much to update, and little time to do so. In my best Conan O'Brien impression, "Just be cool my babies." Pat Hogan is one of those evil people who told me I needed to update. Yeah, this coming from a man who hasn't updated his many times over "plugged" site via e-mail. The last time that man has done any kind of updating was back when popping chubbies in sweat pants in gym class was in style. And what? I'm going to blog, blog away.

Ah, relaxtion. We all need it, and we just don't get much of it. Shame on all of us.

Well just sit back Jack and relax and enjoy a smile.
Well let your mind go… For a minute or two,
Let your mind levitate for a delicate few.

We work ourselves into a corner. Often times enough, we let our jobs take over our social lives. (Or what's left of one.) We all work long, whorish hours. And for what? Money? It's always about the damn money. Money eagerly spent on that dream BMW, right? Beach House in the Hamptons, perhaps? How about that dream date with that special someone who normally would have ignored you back in high school? What happened to the days of carefree fun? Where the undeniable will to just kicking back overruled even the slightest tasks? Oh, who am I kidding? We can barely remember what we ate last night, more or less how to enjoy life like we did back in our childhoods. Simply, the art of enjoying life has squandered into the fumes of corporate buildings all around the country. 'Tis working for the "MAN" that has brought our spirits, (and sex lives) to a non-existent, and utter halt. I say we dispose of the Vaseline use of working the daily grind, and hereby declare today, "Screw working for the MAN day". Our motto: "No more ass raping corporate america! Our asses are damn sore! And we can't afford any more jars of vaseline, ya damn jerks!"

Maybe we don't how to relax because we let our worries get the best of us. We worry about everything, don't we? The worry list grows bigger each day, too. Am I fat? Will she call me? Am I going to get that fucking raise or what? Should I get the chicken or the fish? Do I have a nice ass? Is the episode of Celebrity Poker a repeat? Download midget porn or the olson twins video? Is quarter of a tank enough to get there? Should I be on the internet at work? Should I meet his parents? Will that hairy mole on the back of my neck ever go away? Should I have another cup of coffee? Does anyone know where in the damn world is Carmen SanDiego? And Where did I put that damn remote?

Here are some "so-called" tips to help you relax and succeed in life: (Bah, I say)

-Breath--Most people tense up and hold their breath
-Take some time for yourself everyday...you deserve it
-Stretch those tense muscles
-Read something up lifting every morning
-Take 20-30 minutes a day to be in silence with nature
-Remember the glass is always half full
-Let go of worry and make changes in your life
-Laugh...it's hard to be stressed when you're laughing
-Give back to society and it will give back to you
-Remember life is the journey not the destination
-Take time to be grateful everyday

Here are Liezel's tips that are much more effective than the ones listed above:

-Read a book that isn't about motivation or relaxation. This is a good book to read.
-Learn a new skill. Not only will you acquire a new hobby, you'll gain about one or two more friends!
-Screw Atkins. Screw low carbs. Feed your face. Participate in an vigorous excercise. You'll get the body you want, without going under the knife. Maybe?
-Spend time with family. Make time. Who knows who you'll kill next. Life is short.
-Get in touch with your spiritual self. Only you can truly touch yourself.
-Volunteer yourself into a psychiatric ward. Crazy people could use the self esteem boost. (only in comparison to you, of course)
-Whistle while you work. No one can hear you masterbating under your desk that way.
-Beer. Liquor. Wine. The three wise men, in my opinion. Get to know them. They're nice.
-Have sex. More it resembles monkey sex, the better. Trust your primal instincts, baby.
-Yell at someone if you must. It's good way to get that aggression out. Trust me.
-Join a cult. Not only will it get you outside the house, but you'll feel loved again.
-Nothing says relaxation than an asian massage. Enough said.

These are tell tale signs that you need to relax. Here are just a few signs to look out for:

-You begin your own version of Fight Club.
-You use your hands for hand puppets. "Friends" you named "Herbie" and "Ernie". (You know who you are.) :)
-You lost the will to eat fast food. (Or anything bad for you)
-Your sex life has gone terribly awry.

And I'm back with a vengeance folks. Blog on.