proximo sed nolo fumigare

Unraveling the mystery in the communication between the sexes is as tiresome as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie. Delving into such a mystery is similar to understanding the mystique of "classical music"; Both topics have numerous people devoting their lives to excogitating the facets of their studies with a desire to explore even further. The unfathomable potential for both discoveries makes the journey well worth the effort. Whether you are currently dating someone or a long-time aficionado, an understanding of interpretations will vary.

Women feel that men don't listen; men feel women talk too much.
Men say women are too emotional; women say men don't feel enough.

Some argue that Johann Sebastian Bach helped in labeling the Baroque Period (1600-1750), while others may feel that George Frideric Handel's Concerto for Organ "Cuckoo and Nightingale" was the masterpiece of early 16th century. (I'm inclined to mention Johann Pachelbel's Canon in D Major. By far, my favorite piece; It's melodic and animated tempo changes have been my weakness and long time love.) I'd be quite gobsmacked if I found any of my old music sheets. It's been quite a while since I've tickled the ivories...

Nowadays, having an interpersonal conversation is as irrational as great music. It is mad with its own loveliness.

Communication between the sexes has changed drastically over the past 40 years. Long gone are the days of "getting pinned" with your sweetie's senior pin. The days for the art of letter writing have been getting fewer and further in between. Various types of communication emerge and expand each day: Instant messaging, e-mail, fax, texting, on-line message boards, chat rooms, camera phones, etc. It's no wonder why men and women have difficulty conversing; there's a universal disregard for face to face conversation.

Roles have changed, but communication between the sexes has not. William Shakespeare had such a real grasp on the relationships between men and women. It's through his timeless work that has shown us that the relationships between the sexes is not easily translated, at times comedic, and often misconstrued.

...no sooner met they looked; no sooner looked they loved; no sooner loved but they sighed; no sooner sighed but they asked one another the reason; no sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy. As You Like It, Act 5, Scene 2

You probably knew that men live in a testerone world, while women live on an estrogen planet. (I'd suggest using John Gray's book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as a door mat to wipe your muddy feet on.) I remembering reading that book years ago, hoping to find solutions to relationship issues. All I found was a new friend for the big dust ball underneath the coffee table. I never really understood the analogy with waves and caves; Quite the mind scrambler in my opinion.

Through countless girlie movies, late night bar crawls, boxes of Kleenex (used for different purposes by men and women, mind you) and hours of "Let me ask you this" surveys; I have uncovered many "slight" differences on the following topics: (Could the miscommunication unravel itself here?)

Sex: Men need it. Women say they don't. (Right) Women prefer 20-30 minutes of foreplay. Men consider the ride back to the house as part of foreplay.

Relationships: Man goes out with woman, defining it as "I go out with woman from time to time". While woman goes out with the same man and says "He could be the one". Man breaks up with woman saying "She's a bitch, anyways" and proceeds to calling her incessantly for the next 6 months trying to get back together. Woman breaks up with same man and dates his best friend.

Comedy: Women laugh at the silly and slap stick sense of humor, while men laugh at the midgets getting bitched-slapped in pornnos.

Bathrooms: Men have 5-6 items on his countertop. (toothbrush, comb, razor, etc.) Women have over 200 items laying around and about. Men are lucky enough to identify even 5 of these tolietries.

Grocery shopping: Women will make a list of what she needs and purchases these items at once. Men will wait until he can't suck out any more toothpaste from the tube and there's nothing left but a half stick of "I can't believe it's not butter" in the fridge before going to the store.

Laundry: Women will do laundry every couple of days or so. Men only do laundry when the piles of clothing cannot be dictated what's clean and what's dirty. There's usually 3 piles of "dirty" for men: Un-Funky (still can be worn 3 or 4 more times), Semi-Funky ( pushing it, but can be worn 2 more times if aired out correctly), and Truly Funky ( worn only if the two other piles have crept into this one. Making it confusing to distinguish what is actually clean) Heavy cologne usage usually follows.

Nicknames: Women will nickname anything and everything. Always adding a "Y" to the end of names. She'll nickname friends, her favorite foods, and sometimes her shoes: Baggy, Snacky, Katy. Men have nicknames, too. He usually uses endearing nicknames in reference to his buddies or when angry at something: Jackass, Dumbass, Smartass, Asshole, Dickhead, Shithead, Dick for brains, Douchebag, Assmunch, Bitchass.

Admitting mistakes: Women will admit to a mistake from time to time. The last time a man admitted to making a mistake was General Custer.

Dressing up: Women will dress up for anything: Watering the plants, grocery shopping, getting the mail, walking the dog, and getting her hair done. Men will only dress up for their wedding and their funeral.

Yes, there are many differences between the sexes. There are verbal and non-verbal ways of conveying information to one another. Communication doesn't require either party to utter a single sound. In fact, you can sometimes communicate louder in silence than you ever could with words. (Think about that the next time you're in an argument.)

What will emerge for men and women in the future? Will men stop listening in testerone? Will women stop speaking in estrogen? Hell if I know. Maybe Mr. George Bernard Shaw, an Irish novelist, playright and critic, can elucidate us with this quote:

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."