Mellow mood has got me, so let the music rock me.
Imagine this: (if you can)
I'm sitting at a table for 12. I'm awaiting my friends for a celebration at a cool dive in the East Village. Reservations are for 8pm, and I'm the first to arrive. The lights are dimly lit, and the vibe is "cool" and "easy". Waiter asks me, "Will you like champagne?" I respond, "No. I'll wait until everyone gets here, but thank you." 20 minutes pass by, and I find myself sucking the life out of my Shirley Temple and making igloo houses out of the butter sticks. There's still no sign of my 11 guests, but I keep my head up high. They knew to meet at 8pm. The waiter approaches me again, every 20 minutes or so, and the same routine follows. The time goes by, and it's now 10pm. The maitre d' informs me that the person with my surprise cake has arrived. It's 30 dollars and is expecting payment. (Of course, I pay for it.) The cake reads, "Surprise. We love you." At a last attempt to get me to drink, the waiter asks me for a cocktail, and I lower my head while asking for the check. I pay the bill and walk on home with my cake. I get mugged, and I ruined the cake.
...Talk about a bizarre dream. It woke me up, it's 4am! I'm shamed to say, but I've never felt so sad for myself. I just had to jot this down. Figured blogging this sleep tale online would cancel out my bad dream. Along with other crap online that deserves to be cancelled out.
I was going to write a post (later today) on a different subject, but I've been thrown into a loop. Not sure where to start, but I guess now is a better time than never. I needed an outlet for my frustrations. Exactly when did the art of compromise become compromising??
Fear. Old habits are hard to break, eh? Indispensable to our very existence, but not necessarily sought-after. I find that fear consumes (or sucks the living life out of) most of our lives. Afraid of this, afraid of that. What the hell are we really afraid of? The unknown. Life. Bears. Kids. Love. Death. Sharks. Lawyers. Whatever the case, we all have something to fear. What if we put aside our fears, for just a moment, would our lives be any different?
Personally, I have issues believing in people. No, it's not because someone killed my cat or ratted me out to the police. Nor does it have to do with any sort of psychological mishap that occurred to me as a toddler. Definitely no pent up hostililty from teen angst either. Well, there was this one time...
Yes, the lack of faith that I have in people is unfortunate. But there's always a little something else that gets in the way. And that my friends, is called TRUTH. We never truly get to the heart of it, because there's always a little bit left out. What I truly fear the most: TRUTH. Not because it's often abused, but because it's rarely USED.
"You can't handle the truth." Yeah, who can? Truth is defined as "agreement with fact or reality". In my own words, "shit you don't necessarily want to deal with, but have to."
Why is it so hard dealing with the truth? For one, it's much easier to hide or run away from it. Let's face it, no one likes getting hurt. I'm tired of figuring people out. Beginning to think people have given up on me, as well. People are, well, people. Weird, offball quirks and all. I'm too damn afraid to let myself go. (A great Seal song lyric pops in my head...)
Everyday, a shade of blue
You won't believe
What I'm going through
It just feels like I can't afford to let myself go
No, oohooo no...
What do you do when you don't want to be afraid anymore? Aside from the obvious, "Put the crackpipe down" "Visit your mother" "Eat more veggies" If the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz can do it, so can I.
What are we afraid of? Too afraid to trust? Too afraid to question? Too afraid to live? Too afraid to take on a challenge? I fear that there's hell of a lot more than meets the eye. What if it lies within us? *gasps*
I find difficulty with trust. Only because it's so easy to make, and even easier to break. Too many emotions, too many hidden agendas, too many options. It's like the buttons of a television set. You have it, but you don't seem to use it as often as you think.
Surely I can coast through life without the hassles of everyday drudgeries of emotional roulette. I never asked to play, yet I've always had chips to play. Didn't need this epiphany now, (and while the year is coming to a close.) Or, 4:14 in the morning, at that.
Earlier, I got to thinking about Narcissus, a man so consumed with his own image, he drowned in it. Did he have no friends to mirror back a healthier view of himself? And why is it that we can see our friends perfectly, when it comes to ourselves, no matter how hard we look, do we ever see ourselves clearly? When do we ever see ourselves in the right light? If ever. Maybe Narcissus had the right idea about worrying about himself, and only himself.
Aside from my fears and reservations on people, I know there's a small percentage of people that still contain an ounce of good. (tablespoon, perhaps?) Those inscrutable wonders of rational thought that cease to function when sincerity walks out the door. (Did it ever walk in to begin with?) How do we know when one is sincere? When does it start? When does it end?
There's the kind of support you ask for, the kind of support you don't ask for, and then there's the kind that just shows up. Guess I'll continue searching for that support. It's that emotional/spiritual/sexual/psychological crutch that will always be there to slap that smile back on your face, throw in that extra "har har" in your laugh, and be there for you when you least expect it. It's at that moment when you know truth has kicked in. No jokes, no beating around the bush, just pure unadulterated truth. I anxiously await for its arrival. Tired of not dealing with the truth. It's no way to live a life. I can only be told I'm emotionally unattached so many times before I start believing it myself...
Fear: A constant swing of emotions when dealing with all truths.
Care to agree to disagree?
Mood: Disappointed.
