Yes, the lack of attendance at Sunday's mass plays a big part. Actually, not really. Preach on sista Leezuhhl. Preach on.
I've been thinking about people lately. Some people are meant to piss you off. Some to make you feel good when you're down and out. And the rest, well, they're there to add variety to your life. (the very spice of life, some say) So, why doubt your friends? Your family? Your loved ones? Even yourself? Sometimes life does get in the way of life. When it comes to relationships, (not just ones with others) but with yourself, it's awfully difficult to have faith.
"You're always a little disappointing in person because you can't be the edited essence of yourself."
I'm starting to doubt people. Again. I can't help but wonder if people are just selfish bastards wrapped up in friendly conversations and crooked smiles. I"m tired of people saying they're fine, when you know damn well they're not. Are we afraid to show emotion? Are we afraid to let everyone else know that you have feelings? Playing it cool all the time has consequences, eventually something is going to nip at your tinker. Beginning to think we're all the same. All FULL OF SHIT and we couldn't care less.
Now, there are a few exceptions. It's different for everyone, so I won't name mine. You'll know who'll you'll save in a burning building, people. Let's not try and save face. ;) I'm not "hating" on people because they ran over my cat. I'm more likely to thank them for getting rid of Whiskers. (Kitty Litter is just how is sounds... messy.) People are quite funny that way. It's the people you least expect that usually end up hiding a lot more than a Swiss bank account.
I noticed a common thread by listening to random conversations from people of all walks of life. (Co-worker's, friends, old couple in line at StarBucks...) You can't have faith in someone without trust. Well, there you have it folks. Most people wouldn't trust their own mothers. Hands down, most of us wouldn't trust our own damn selves! It's rare to find someone who can honestly say, "No, I have my utmost faith in people because I believe people are good." HAHAHA. Wow, I think I saw that afterschool special once upon a time. I'm guessing that's why it's difficult for people to trust. NO ONE SEEMS TO TRUST ANYONE anymore.
What brings this on? The tiresome and vicious cycle of people being afraid. If I could get into detail about the wonderful people in my life, I would. That's why I choose to write about people when I find the time. There's no big plot, just short stories of people I've been lucky to come across. I can't name names, but I'll give you examples. This is why I need to write a book. I got more dirt than a Catholic priest during Lent. :) I wouldn't exclude myself. Just like everyone else, I got my own story to tell.
At the moment, I know of 3 people in my life who are afraid. Afraid to speak. Afraid to love. Afraid to learn. Not saying having fear is bad thing. You just can't let it get in the way of living. It's good to have the right balance of faith/fear. Relationships are terribly fascinating to me. I enjoy learning about the various ways we communicate and interact with one another. It's quite the mind boggler, really. Amazing how much we all deal with similar issues, yet we never admit to having any in the first place.
"Meredith" is a young lady who is currently dating an unemployed younger man. Nice guy. I met him once, seemed harmless. Yet, "Meredith" doesn't want to let go because she feels bad for him. Oh, and he's her first love. Aw. (Build your bridge, honey. AND GET OVER IT!) She says she's grown attached, and would miss him. Miss him like a bad rash, I say! She doesn't want to hurt him and doesn't want to end up alone. It's funny that situations like these only happen to attractive, smart women. I told her she needs to find a MAN and not a young boy to love and she responds, "I'm afraid I'm going to hurt him if I told him how I really felt." Tsk. Tsk Tsk. She's been itching to find a man who'll actually pay for that McDonald's dinner. She's tired of using her ATM card at the drive thru. Wish she could just realize she's better than McDonald's. She could find someone who actually has a job and will take her out to places that don't have happy meals. Why be afraid to speak your mind in this situation. Worse case scenario: He'll realize he needs a damn job. Realizes he will lose her. Eventually he'll be a man and take his woman out once in a while. OR he'll say screw it. I can find someone else. But how else would you know if you didn't talk about it, honey? "Meredith" is bound to get hurt. Or hurt someone else in this case.
"Josh" is a friend of mine who I think was an ex-husband of mine in a previous lifetime. (Love-Hate relationship that will never cross that friendship line.) He seems to pick up the wrong kind of women. Or the wrong kind of women pick him. Great guy, wouldn't hurt a fly, terribly sincere, and fiercely loyal to those he cares about the most. God, he sounds like a really awesome dating ad. Ladies, highlight this section of my blog if you'd like. ;) His previous relationship involved a woman who seemed normal. Sweet, cute, and perky. Until one day she open the flood gates of drama hell. Of course, "Josh" being the great guy that he is, stood by her, held her hand, called her late nights to make sure things were well, and what does he get in return?? Yes, she's moved on. To an asshole. Why do bad things happen to good people? I don't know. He's now afraid to love because it's not worth giving your heart away if someone is bound to break it. He likes this girl now, but I know he doesn't want to get too close. I can understand that, but I see he's happier. I see it in his eyes. He's fallen for her and he doesn't even need to tell me so. I know he wouldn't admit it, but he thinks she's too good for him. I say, "There's no such thing. Your fabulous selves cross each other out and create a whole new kind of fabulous. Together." He shouldn't be afraid to love and trust her. He's a great guy. Damnit, I promised myself I wouldn't cry. I'm fine now. But I shake my fist against all crazy women out there who make life hell for men/women everywhere. Bastards. I enjoy conversations with him about relationships. It's funny, we mentioned last week that's it's much easier talking to a friend about it, then the actually persons involved. That "safety net" is put back up when emotions are at a stake. Funny how we can be comfortable speaking from the heart to one person, and to another we shut down like porn shops in NYC.
Last, and certainly not least. "Becky" is a friend who's afraid to learn from her previous mistakes. She's the type of woman you can slap in the face once, then again, and she wouldn't think about getting you back. (She's got that much faith in people) She feels that "eventually" we all find the good in everyone. I asked her one day if she ever lets her "guard up" with people, to prevent from getting hurt. Her response, "Now, that's silly. If they care about me, why should I doubt them? Wouldn't it save time by believing them?" Yikes. I got her on speed dial just in case that moment comes and she realizes that you can't trust everyone. Sad, but true. I'd hate to be her therapist. The thing is, you never stop learning. You learn something new every damn day. Every damn day. She's stuck at one way of thinking about people. Oh, she'll learn.
It's tough for me to preach about this. I can get on my soap box and preach on to my friends, but I don't know much more than they do. I'm still figuring it out myself. Relationships are these half assed versions of the game "telephone". (The childhood game in which you use soup cans & attach to strings to communicate. The ghetto version of a walkie talkie, if you will.) If you're not paying attention and you miss the conversation, you get disconnected sooner that you think. As they say in the sales world, "Listen in for cues. Listen in to the customers needs." Someone may just be telling you something without actually having to say it.
Oh, that reminds me. My friend "Sarah" is a lovely woman with insecurities that'll put the short bus kids to shame. She is terribly attractive, yet she feels like she's not "IT". Not what the boys are looking for, she says. She fears that she won't find someone because she doesn't have an arse like J-Lo. Hell, I can offer some of mine. "Sarah" is trying to find a man that would appreciate her. Un-big butt and all. She's scared that all men are just pigs. (Wow, it only took her 29 years on this earth to figure that out.) Yet, she's thinking about butt implants. Her insecurities lay deeper than the superficial, but she can't continue thinking that she's not "IT". She's so IT, she's the SHIT. Insecurities can hurt a relationship. Whether it's based on looks, trust, etc. I fear she'll pass up many great opportunities because she feels she's too tall and fat. Insecurities are blankets to our emotions. We tend to use them as a fallout shelter for our hearts.
Yes, even I have off ball fears. Fears that I can't shake off. Even if I tried. What I fear the most? Not being accepted and appreciated for who I am. Fear I'll die at any moment and not have a single soul know who I was and what I was really about. (What am I about? Wouldn't you like to know.) But that's what makes us unique. Different. We fear, think, love, and share differently. But when it comes to faith, we're all on the same page. We all lack just a bit too much. With ourselves, and with one another.
Trust your hunches. They're usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level. The only real valuable thing is intuition. Without it, you'd be lost.
As George Michael once said in a song, "Yes I've gotta have faith..."
I was up until 4am last night studying for a big exam tomorrow at the bank. I took a mental break listening to music, added some ideas/thoughts to my stories, and discovered that we're all insecure sons of a bitches. Amazingly, we're just ashamed to say so. Can I get an AMEN?
