The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.

To all who refer to New Jersey as the armpit of the USA:

I'll defend JERSEY till the day I die. I know all about it. The turnpike, the parkway, out of control drivers, diners galore, going to the "shore", jughandles, damn camaros, and the "no left" crap. You looking at me? Quit busting my chops. So just forget about it.

You Know You're from New Jersey When...
-You know that the only people who call it "Joisey" are from New York (usually The Bronx) or Texas.
-You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges."
-Whenever you park, there's a Camaro within three spots of you.
-You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.
-You know that there are no "beaches" in new Jersey - there's "The Shore," and you know that the road to the shore is "The Parkway" not "The Garden State Highway."
-You know that a "White Castle" is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich.
-You don't think "What exit" (do you live near?) is very funny.
-The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or local bar.
-You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.
-You can see the Manhattan skyline from some part of your town. (northern nj,baby!)
-You know where every "clip" shown in the Sopranos opening credits is.
-You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook Mall.
-You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.
-And finally... You've never pumped your own gas.

"In Jersey, everythings legal as long as you don't get caught."
-Bob Dylan

Spanking the Monkey. What better way to enjoy a lovely Saturday afternoon? :)

Ferris Bueller's Day Off will be on heavy rotation on my dvd player. *Gearing up for my Chicago trip next month* My biggest fear is that I won't be able to crash a parade like Matthew Broderick successfully accomplished in the movie. Oh well. I'll just have to see the Sears Tower, Adler Planetarium, Wrigley Field, Second City, Art Institute of Chicago, and the Married...with Children fountain. At the beginning of each episode of the dysfunctional sitcom MARRIED...WITH CHILDREN on FOX 1987-97, a large fountain is shown spouting water into the air as Frank Sinatra sings the theme song "Love and Marriage." The fountain (modeled after the Versailles' Latona Basin Fountain in France) is actually the Clarence Buckingham Memorial Fountain. Dedicated in 1927, the fountain was a gift to the city of Chicago by Miss Kate Sturges Buckingham in memory of her brother Clarence. The fountain is located in Grant Park between Michigan Avenue and Lake Shore Drive in Chicago, Illinois.

I'll be in the windy city from July 29th-August 1st trying the best pizza and imitating Mike Ditka. Da Bears. Da Bulls.

Interviews: Are they just various mind games?

Interviews. Who needs this kind of uber pyschotic drama? I'd rather stand in line for the bathroom at a baseball game. At least they serve you beer and peanuts...

You know the drill. You "professionalize" your outfit to the point of "librarian gone horribly wrong" (suit, long skirt, hair in a bun, glasses, and a hand me down briefcase your grandfather used when he was a boy in school) I'd much rather don a look more like this naughty librarian to an interview. (Similar to my School Girl outfit of Halloween '03.) If you're good, I may just add a link to a pic. ;)

The following is a series of questions similar to any job interview process:
1. Please tell me about yourself?
2. Why should this company hire you?
3. What are your future plans?
4. What do expect to get from this job?
5. What are your weaknesses?
6. What are your strengths?
7. Why did you leave your last job?
8. What would your former employer say about you?
9. Why did you choose this career?
10. Why did you choose this company?

The following is a series of questions you should ask your future employer:
1. What would some of my responsibilities be?
2. How would my performance be evaluated?
3. Is there room for promotion?
4. Would there be any travel involved with this position?
5. Where do you see this company in two years?
6. Describe your management style?
7. How do you see me fitting into this company?


The two previous set of questions are similar to the job interview I had today at 2pm. Unfortunately, these were deemed ridiculous, and was quickly decoded to "Liezelism" questions. This is thanks to a special decoder ring that was lodged into the right part of my brain during a freak breakfast one fine day back in the summer of '89. This makes for any situation a bit more tolerable. Sitting in the most uncomfortable creation of a chair in the interviewer's stuffy office was not my idea of an "ideal" working environment. "Window office" my ass. And all this while still in the alleged librarian outfit, too. Interviews are not fun at all. What really needs to surface is your inner animal instinct to survive the dangerous world of the the "Office Space". The questions I heard sounded like this in my head during the last leg of our long interview:

1. Where do you see yourself in the next 15 minutes? Want to go out and have lunch? Maybe some post lunch sex?
2. Are you good at massage? And if so, what are your rates? Will adjacent cubicles get "group" rates?
3. Working the fax machine is vital to this company. What pictures of previous ass faxing sheets do you have? Any references? Can you list them?
4. Deadlines will be met. There are no questions about that. How much "overtime" are you willing to work while helping with the boss's "personal" matters of business?
5. Stealing from the company will not be tolerated. But really, what is your pain tolerance when it comes to weekly meeting spankings? The company raised the bar up to 9 last quarter. Are you a team player?
6. Your interest in the company is appreciated. Are there any outside interests you feel you can bring into the working environment here? Such as lesbian friend Fridays, Gang Bang Mondays, and "over the hump" Nipple Clamp Wednesdays?
7. Have you ever been in a situation where you had to stand up for what you believed in? Part two: And exactly how long does it take you to get out of the bondage ropes?


I believe it's safe to say that I answered the "MAN's" questions to the best of my ability. I have a second interview next week. I rule! (Excuse that last link in he questions. I think I went overboard with that one. Not to say it doesn't make me laugh) Hope I don't offend any S & M people out there. <---- Now, that's funny. ;p

On a side note: People in the improv comedy world know how to "take over" their local watering hole. Improv Happy Hour was a blast last night. Dancing like you don't know "what your momma gave you" was definitely a recurring theme throughout the evening. Nothing like good drink and great friends to create a fun happy hour. Body shots are completely ace. ;) (Not for the kiddies, my friends)

Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.

Luck Be A Lady at Charlestown Slots. Cha Ching, baby.

I constantly have this dream where my mother and I star in a film. The name of the movie is Throw Momma from the Train (1987 flick) and we reenact this scene:

Momma: Owen! Food!
Owen: In a minute, Momma.
Momma: Don't you "In a minute, Momma" me! Get off your fat little ass or I'll break it for you! I want two soft boiled eggs, white toast, and some of that grape jelly god damn it! And don't burn the toast!
Owen: Kill her, Larry.

On our way to our self-accepted gambling habit in West Virginia, my mother decides exactly 3 miles prior to the casino is when she's wants to have a "chat". (Meaning she wants to talk my ears off until they bleed and/or makes a point to expostulate my current situation in life.) Oh gawd why? Mother, can't you just stare out the window at the numerous gas attendants wearing not so clean overalls? Or even at the rednecks washing their old pickup trucks in what's barely left of an off-white, wife beater t-shirt? How about giving an evil eye to the kids playing in their own feces in a waterless inflatable turtle pool on the sidewalk? I just can't stomach a mother/daughter conversation. Grow up, mom. Really.

I've managed to deter her from conversation by strategically catching her off guard while swerving our SUV off to the side. Coincidently shaking her nerves and better judgment in hopes to swaying her from wanting to continue any idea of a "chat". While blaming the damn possums of the world for trying to kill us, of course. ;) Joking aside, going on a road trip with your mother can be a serious attack on your mental & physical stability. Mothers have this super power that can slowly drain you of your energy. Slowly they peel your soul away with questions and senile remarks...

Mom's Interpretation
Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to become sane again.

Luck Be A Lady (Loesser)

They call you lady luck
But there is room for doubt
At times you have a very un-lady-like way
Of running out

Gambling addiction is very serious. Just ask my mother. :) I heart my mom. I wouldn't love any other crazy woman than the one I call crazy lady. I mean, mom.

*Read The Way You Wear Your Hat by Bill Zihme, it's a collection of rare interviews about the life of Frank Sinatra. "You've got to love livin', baby," he would say, "because dying is a pain in the ass!"

Comedy is fun. Saves you 15 % on your car insurance, too.

Improv is the greatest form of therapy, and is so much more fun than lying on the couch.

Last night I performed my first improv show. Scary, perhaps. Exciting, yes. Thank God for beer pre-show, huh? :) The comedy school is founded on by great people like Allyson and Shawn. Allyson is the best principal a young pupil like me can ask for. Not only cute, she's funny as hell. Shawn is our favorite "Sweet Ass" and comedy mentor. He's a great teacher, so take his classes.You're bound to become an addict of his off the wall teachings and methods. Oh, and you get used to the "spanking". It's common practice at the comedy school to discipline the improv actors who aren't "keeping up" with the rest of the class. Seriously, I'm glad I've taken the classes. I've had a blast. I'll be attending the Harold class later this month. Improvisational Comedy is damn addicting I tell you!! *Shakes fist at the StarBuck's employees who constantly make it a habit to make me ever so tardy for my classes*

*Cue in "Shout Outs" and "I'd like to thank God" from an awards ceremony here* Here goes: Thank you to all who attended the show. Daniel, thanks for the pictures. I appreciate your never-ending love and support. You definitely rock hardcore. Marcello, you're always there for me. You're my boy, Blue. My favorite folks at the Erie House, thanks for representing, yo. Emily, Mommy Stephanie, & Chris,: You guys are an absolute blast to hang with. Martin,(cut your hair) & thanks for putting Bonnarroo (or Christmas, really) on hold for just a few hours for me. It meant a lot to me. Osa, hopefully we haven't offended you in any way. Glad to hear you enjoyed the show and that you came out for a night of laughs. John, my stalker. My friend. Nicest guy ever. Thanks for bringing Rashi. :) Rashi, hope you enjoyed the "Breakfast Bitches" scene. To everyone else not noted, I apologize. I'm in the process of forgetting what I wanted to say. So THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone else. Thank You Cuba Gooding Jr! (He wasn't there, by the way) Just wanted to drop a celebrity name for no reason at all.

What else can I say about last night? Not only will I put links up for you to click from the show, but I will let you in on a secret. Ok, it's not a secret but I've submitted an essay to the Washington Post about my experience last night. Let's cross our fingers, legs & eyes for me, ok? It's for the Life is Short weekly segment in the Style section. (I've also submitted other essays I've written, so here's hoping I get chosen!)

A plethora of clicky things. YAY! Hope you enjoy the pics.

What Happens Next Game 1
What Happens Next Game 2
Two Pillars Game 1
Two Pillars Game 2
Style Slide Game
Emotional Symphony Game
World's Worst Game

"This is it. I love making people laugh. (including myself) I enjoy the art of laughter." Liezel

Now I'm verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves.

It's funny how we question all that is before us, yet we never delve into what really happens deep down beyond our thoughts and in our hearts.

With that being said, I'm glad I no longer work for the "man" via BIG TIME FUN. *Note: I apologize if you are not in the know about the orange & blue madness.* It's been 4 months since I've donned the white shirt and tie. I miss the people I worked with, to be sure, but I could not wear "I proudly serve my corporate masters" button any longer. Dayum B! The link is a Half-Baked movie reference. I feel it's fitting to my rant. Dayum B...

Always on the move to find my next literary discovery, I've stumbled upon Kingsley Amis. A friend of mine was nice enough to let me borrow her copy of Stanley and the Women. So far, I'm intrigued by one of the writers labeled Angry Young Men. (Which is a journalistic catchphrase applied to number of British playwrights and novelists from the mid-1950s. At one point, their political views were seen as radical, sometimes even arachic, and they described social alienation of different kinds.) Amis is best known for Lucky Jim. It's a comic novel from what I hear. I put my complete and utter trust in you, Katie. I'll make that my next book fix. I am itching to read Napoleon: His wives and Women by Christopher Hibbert. Christopher Hibbert is the wide-ranging historian writing mainly on 18th, 19th and 20th century British, Italian and French History. He has also written splendid history-guide books to London, Venice, Florence and Rome as well as editing THE ENCYLOPAEDIA OF LONDON and THE ENCYLOPAEDIA OF OXFORD. Why the interest in his work? Well, why the hell not? He was emperor of the French, and had an uncanny ability to feel himself up through his shirt. :)

The current gas prices remind me of the Stock Exchange. It's up. It's down. Stop toying with my emotions, and my wallet! In a world full of great inventions and brilliant minds, how on earth can we continue to pay $2+ a gallon for gas? Oh, the monstrosity! The nature of this pricing yo-yo makes me wish I still had my power wheels. I proudly owned "K.I.T.T." from the show Knight Rider with David Hasselhoff. Well, the miniature, kid friendly version of the sitcom's sidekick and vehicle. Without the cool accessories, artificial intelligence, and voice of actor William Daniels, of course. If it wasn't for some punks who stole my "K.I.T.T." back in the late '80s, I would have gladly protested against the outrageous gas prices by using my battery operated Power Wheel. Here is a random fact from the show for you to chew on. The car's name, Kitt is an acronym for "Knight Industries Two Thousand". It was stated in one of the episodes that the car cost $11,400,000 to produce!

If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time or the tools to write.